Remembering The Tinman

Broken hearts have terrible memories. They forget what it was like.

*****


So this is what heartbreak is.

You feel so crushed you're almost numb. You're sitting there, with your jittery hands, and your pounding heart, and your averted gaze, and your embarrassing nails, and your out-of-place bag, and your unwanted food, and you are crushed.


You almost believed it. For the first time in years, you remember The Tinman, who stole your heart, the smile from your face.

What robber, what thief, who took away the part so essential to the whole, who stole your heart, who took it away, knowing that without it you can't live.

You had faith in this, that it would work, because it was so unexpected, because it came to you at a time when you weren't looking, or expecting anything from anyone of such close proximity.

Sometimes, before tonight, you would mentally shake yourself, and hit yourself on the back of the head, and suspect that there is some dark magic involved that made you so preoccupied with him, that dark magic you've only ever heard of, that dark magic that manipulates vulnerable souls into thinking they are attracted to someone.

Sometimes, the shaking and the hitting would work for a few seconds, and you would convince yourself that you were right; why else would you be so besotted by someone you wouldn't ordinarily be besotted by. Why else? But it would only last a few minutes, and then you're back to the kidding-yourself.



Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand

A strong elixir or a potion that you drank?

Who hurt your heart

Bruised it in a place?



And some neighborhoods away, there lies your friend in her bed, crying her eyes out because you know her and you know that she IS crying, and you feel her pain, a pain that is probably identical to yours. And you want to share with her the story of the Tinman, but you know you can't because you've kept so much from her. You are so crushed that no tears come to your eyes.



You are so embarrassed that you said the things you said. You would think you knew better.



You are crushed by the images that cross your mind, of a happy ever after that will never be yours.



You are reminded by all the things that you don't have that could be the reason behind this loneliness. You are reminded by the profoundness of the pathetic situation you are in, of how deeply sorry it is. You are reminded of the neglect that is the only thing you possess, neglect of self, neglect by others, neglect by friends, neglect by family.



You are forced to rise from this. You are forced to pretend nothing happened, that there was no heartbreak, that you didn't have to give up anything because you never owned up to anything to begin with.



Your arms feel weak, your knees.



And you feel even worse by your friends' concern for you. That their concern should explicitly imply that you have, in fact, lost before you've even begun the game.



You are now forced to dust yourself off, and to remind yourself over and over again: Wrong person, wrong time.



Remind yourself, over and over and over:




If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away, remove all roadblocks, barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember, the Tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the Tinman
Go find your heart and take it back


Who stole your heart?
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray...



You are forced to convince yourself that everything's gonna be alright, from here on out. If you just hold yourself together. Like you always have.



*****