I am....BATMAN

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder where you're at!
Up above the world you fly!
Like a tea-tray in the sky!

- Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)
British writer and mathematician
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

After watching four Batman movies one after the other in one sitting, I've decided that I've gathered enough vital information to make my own Batman movie. I know I am no Joel Schumacher or Tim Burton, but I know of no rule against wearing their shoes.

So, to make my very own Batman installation, I will need the following:

** Your support. Bear with me, it's going to be a box office hit.

** A Leading Man, of course. To play Batman. He would have to:

1. Be good-looking - the man every woman wants, and every man wants. To be, that is. I'm thinking along the lines of Post-Troy Brad Bitt. If Kevin Costner wasn't so old now, I would consider him for this part. We should remember that Bruce Wayne is eternally 30-something, so it was probably a mistake casting George Clooney who was fast-approaching 50 at that time. Val Kilmer was okay, except there was something disturbing about his nose... Oh, well.

2. Have nice, distinct lips, for when he's wearing his mask and the damsels in distress are staring pointedly at them. Perhaps no one can better Michael Keaton in that area.

3. Be tall. Batman was always referred to as the 6-foot-something bat. Tom Cruise is, of course, out of the question.

4. Have a six-pack and a nice rear end, for those close-up frames while he's getting into his bat-suit.

5. Have a prominent jaw to flatter his masked mug.

6. Have a troubled, pre-occupied look about him, so that he is contrived as someone of grave importance to the society, someone very wealthy and intelligent, and also very busy and sought-after. This would divert the attention from what it is exactly that he does when he's not flying around [for example, we can't help but wonder how it is that he maintains his Wayne Enterprises when all he does is sulk about how his parents were murdered 700 years ago]. A pair of Gucci eye-glasses and a pencil with a rubber end that he can bite on in contemplation would be crucial for this facial expression.

7. Have a quick wit and a sense of humor. He should be able to pepper his conversations with smooth puns and mild sexual innuendoes.

8. Know the exact moment to utter key one-word commands to non-living things, like his study furniture and his automobiles, to name just a few. Lock. Chair. Shields. Women. Oops.

9. Master robot-like actions with his head and shoulders to support his apparently very heavy head gear, so that he looks like he's going to keel over any moment from the weight of his pointed ears.

10. Know how to suppress smiles and laughter because, after all, Bruce Wayne [and Batman] isn't a stupid, smiley dolt. He is a very serious and intriguing man.

11. Look like a man who is very at-ease with the prospect of having a slave... no, scratch that... a 'gentleman' butler, that he manages to retain by occasionally referring to as 'family'.

** A villain is of great import, too, of course.

1. The villain part should be played by an actor of high-caliber, such as the ones in past Batman films: Christopher Walken, Danny de Vito, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tommy Lee Jones, and of course, the father of all Batman villains, Jack Nicholson. For my movie, I'm thinking John Travolta, who outdid himself in Face-Off as a maniacal baddie. I mean, his ridiculous [and disarming] chin alone is all the make-up he needs! John Malkovich is a good choice, too, but he's too mean. Batman might not be able to fight him off.

2. The main villian should have had a horrible childhood so that he grows up to be a freak of sorts. This family background is essential, because it's the only way Batman would get through to him, having had a horrible childhood himself. Towards the end, they would swap sob stories right before the villain is hied off to Arkham Asylum where he would either disappear in obscurity among other former villains, or emerge later in a spin-off movie where he gets the chance to give a dragged-out version of his sob story.

3. I would be needing a Co-Villain to stretch the script and provide Batman with more opportunities to impart wise-ass one-liners seconds before he doles out punches and high-power kicks. The co-villain would emerge right after Batman's first encounter with the main villain. He must have a psychological problem [as does everyone else in the movie, anyway]; someone who is actually angry at Bruce Wayne and not Batman. The co-villain would eventually team up with the main villain [whose target is Batman] and together, they discover that GASP Batman and Wayne are one and the same! [Oooh, love that rhyming. Will include in script.] There are two kinds of villains:

a. Male Co-Villain = someone absolutely outrageous, who desires nothing more than world domination. Or Gotham City domination. Same thing. To play this part, I want an actor capable of over-the-top theatrics, like Jim Carrey was in Batman and Robin. Someone viewers love to hate, like Alan Cumming [oh, but he's too cute], or someone viewers just HATE, like Ben Stiller.

b. Female Co-Villain = someone very sexy. At the beginning, she is actually a well-meaning woman who wants good things to happen to the world, but is ultimately wronged and killed by a man. She comes back to life as a sinister, vengeful, and darkly stunning she-villain, so she should be someone who has miles and miles of leg and looks good in designer villain garb and goth make-up. I would consider Milla Jovovich or Rachel Weisz. She would have a plain-looking alter-ego, so she should also be able to pull off huge-rimmed glasses and disheveled hair. The female co-villain is very crucial to the script, because she could double as the love interest of both the main villain and the hero. Cut costs, if you know what I mean. After all, I'm casting high-profile actors here.

4. All the baddies should master the requisite evil laugh. Buhuwahahaha... Muhuwahahaha... Or something like that. Maybe take lessons from the poster-child of villainhood himself, Dr. Evil.

5. I would be needing a slew of supporting thugs and outlaws in motorbikes, dressed up in face paint and muted versions of the main and co-villain's suits, whichever one they're supporting.

6. Villain's characters should be based on a mutated animal, plant, or anything else from nature. I'd probably base one on a monkey [Mojo-Jojo style], and another on a sequoia tree [Yawn].

** Now, it gets ridiculous by the minute, so I would need another person to add to the fast-growing Bat Family. Let's call this person a Co-Hero. I mean, of course, there would be moments when our hero is suddenly trapped and seemingly doomed. This is Bat-Brother or Bat-Sister's cue to come crashing down some glass ceiling or other and save him. Also, I need this Co-Hero to cause inner conflict. The Co-Hero should be someone younger, with a rebellious streak and a smart-alecky nature, who'd fall madly in-love with another Bat-Person [another spin-off idea]. Colin Farrell comes to mind. If it's to be a girl, who better to play the role than It-Girl Mandy Moore?

** How would Batman and his posse go from one place to another without their bat-mobiles? Of course, we would need them. I don't want to be James Bond-ish about it, so I guess I'll just keep the classic Bat-Mobile and Bat-Bike. Maybe have Mercedes Benz or Honda sponsor the whole affair, so that the new Co-Hero may have his or her own Bat-Wheels. We can't have any of them riding shotgun in His Royal Batness' coupe, can we?

** Alfred is getting old. He needs a replacement. Besides, he won't be able to cope with not one, not two, not three, but four [possibly even five, God help him] deranged humans prancing about as bats. But we all love Alfred. Plus, he knows everything; his know-how is priceless. So I'll maybe just give him an assistant. I'm sure Lara Croft wouldn't mind my borrowing her butler. She can afford another one after the success of her last movie.

** There should always be a love angle. After all, Bat-Wayne is very attractive, a ladies' man, a man's man, a man-about-town, a most eligible bachelor. The leading lady would be someone interested in the mysterious and possibly very kinky Batman but is invariably drawn to the filthy, filthy rich Bruce Wayne ["Tricky, tricky... Hmm... Let's see... Who shall it be?"] She would be a journalist, a reporter, or an expert on something, maybe on monkeys and sequoia trees. Catherine Zeta-Jones fits the profile. Glamorous, vogue, stunning. A classic Wayne-trap, he loves to wear beautiful women to dinner galas. She should be smart, yes, but not smart enough to notice that GASP Batman and Wayne... are one and the same! [sorry, just had to say it again], even though she has kissed, spoken to, and been up-close and personal with both, more than anyone else in the film.

** Now, I would have to use gloomy Gotham City as the backdrop, of course, which is really a cross between Chicago and New York City. The city would, as usual, come with the same incompetent, lazy policemen who depend on the Winged One to do their job.

** To top off my movie, I would employ The Neptunes to produce and perform every single musical score on the film. The original Batman was successful with the talents of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince And Also Formerly Known As An Unpronounceable Symbol But Is Now Known As Just Prince [I have utmost respect for the one man who could pull off a name like that. Boo-Yah, Master Chief!]. The Neptunes Who Were Formerly Unknown should be able to give the chase and fight scenes a rock feel, pipe in some sexy beat for the female villain's entrance, and then finish with a catchy rock-hiphop theme for the credit roll.

Fantastic. Absolutely marvelous. I can just see it now. The opening credits. The fabulous premiere gala. The red carpet. The swift celebrity interview with Joan Rivers. The rave reviews. The movie awards. The MTV music video. The behind-the-scenes documentary. The magazine cover and feature. The action figures and merchandise. The offer for yet another sequel. "Batman Lives". "Batman: A True Underdog Story." "Batman's World." "Batman and Batwoman".

Phew. Well. I gotta go give Joel Schumacher's shoes back, he'll be wanting them.

There you go, Schumacher, my man. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

The Writer's Club

I derive pleasure in making new friends, even more so when they turn out to be wonderful writers. Here, an example of honest, free thinking.

Thank You God
By Sayeeda Ihsan Walker

I thank you God for I all that has been,
I have no regrets you always make me win.

Every place I go,
there are people I get to know,
people I learn to love,
and people that help me grow.

Sometimes I feel bad, frustrated and mad.
But with God by my side I overcome all rough tides.

I thank you my lord, I thank you so true,
for none of this could have been if it weren’t purely for you.

I have been through difficulty times and again,
and in various situations I thought it would never end.

But I was so wrong.
I thought I couldn’t take it, I thought I would be torn,
only to learn that it all made me strong.

I thank you God again.
My gratitude will never end.

I thank you God, and still I thank you again.



** There are many things in my life that I forget to be thankful for. But there are also many things in my life that remind me to be. I'm thankful for both.

Kiss The Clouds

" 'Scuse me while I kiss the sky." - Jimi Hendrix, Rockstar

A big movie producer wants to cast you in his film and lets you pick your role… what would you pick?
-- Highly unlikely, but in the event that said big-time producer does approach me for a role in a film, I'd like to be cast in an independent movie, preferably as a slacker of some kind. Or maybe a role in a talkie movie, like Before Sunrise, or What To Do In Case Of Fire, or Reality Bites, the ultimate talkie movie. I've tried acting and I know I rival the acting prowess Arnold Schwarzenegger [whose famous one-liners are delivered with such bad acting as to propel him into superstardom], and being in a movie where I would play a role that is similar to my real-life personality will not put considerable strain on my skills. However, to push my luck, I would most likely ask to be in a movie version of a musical play, like Moulin Rouge, or Chicago, or Le Boheme, preferably one that has a love scene with a very good-looking [and very gay, doesn't matter] leading man. Hahaha.

If you had a chance to spend one whole day with a TV character, who would it be?
-- I would spend a lifetime Sex and The City's Mr. Big. That way, I wouldn't have to rant and rave about wanting my Mr. Right to be handsome, smart, rich, well-traveled, and rich. Wait, did I mention RICH? Haha. But for one whole day, I'd hang out with Ariel of The Adventures of Ariel and Maverick, or Chandler Bing of F-R-I-E-N-D-S, because each one has a reliable sense of humor.

If you had to talk about something for 2 hours, what would it be about?
-- For 2 hours or more, I would talk about a subject that wouldn't elicit indignant response from the audience - myself. By talking about me, I wouldn't have to worry about saying something wrong, and if I did say something wrong, that would be my problem. I'm tired of conforming to other people's ideas of what I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T say concerning one issue or another.

If you could choose one person who would remain youthful forever, who would it be?
-- Myself. I'd like to say my sister, but if she would remain youthful forever while I wouldn't be around to notice, it would just defeat the purpose. I'm sure she'd say the same. In any case, I'm terrified of old age, so I'd prefer to stay 21 forever. If it means I should become a vampire in the process, so be it.

At a moment’s notice, you were given a chance to step into a “talent duplicator machine” which could duplicate any person’s talent and make it yours for life. What talent would you pick and whose?
-- I would pick music-making and song-writing. Pushing it, I would pick any one of the Beatle's talents. Or any rockstar's for that matter. I believe I have the trappings and makings of a proper rockstar, anyway, except for the talent in actually becoming one. I am addicted to self-destruction, for one thing, I am very excessive on all counts, I go through extreme moods [I'm either very hyper or very out-of-it, I've never travelled the middle road], and I'm in love with lifestyles that would invariably lead to an untimely death [by some peciular event or other] by the age of 27.

If you had to live in another country, where would you go?
-- I would live in Cuba, where I could dance wild and unbridled and not be taunted crazy.

You get transported into Cartoon Land and get to pick any cartoon identity to have as your own. Which cartoon character would you choose?
-- I would be Dumbo, with flappy ears, a friend dedicated to my cause, and the gift of flight. Also, I'd like to experience the Pink Elephants in the event I encounter a basin full of intoxicating liquid while I grapple with a bad case of hiccups.

If you had a choice to pick one person in the world, from the past or present, who wouldn’t die, who would you pick?
-- I would pick contemporary mystic Osho. I have a lot of questions on his teachings that I'm sure only he could answer, although judging from his personality, I'm sure he would say that I would find the answers within myself.

If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
-- I would go to the king's palace, spook him for a while till he shat himself, then coerce him into signing over his wealth to me.

If you were chosen to be the first person to relocate to Jupiter, and could only bring five personal items, what would they be?
-- A music player [in case Jupiter turns out to be very quiet], a state-of-the-art camcorder, a book, a pair of huge, dark sunglasses, and a sleeping bag.

What, for you, is the most memorable line from a movie and from what movie?
-- Off the top of my head, it's from the cartoon A Shark Tale, where Leni The Shark appears from a makeshift dressing room and declares in a sing-song voice: "I'm Sebastian, the whale-washing dolphin!"

If you had to be an animal, what would you want to be?
-- I would want to be a tiger = fiercely beautiful, and above it all.

Complete this sentence: I am the only person I know who…
-- contradicts herself every few seconds.

Your ideal man/woman?
-- Like everyone else who wouldn't admit it, my ideal man is someone who has my best traits and has the opposite of my worst characteristics.

How would you want to be remembered by?
-- The definitive girl of her generation, who always pushes her luck by being more ambitious than she should be.

Winter Of Discontent

This is a post from my best girl Bitch, whose blog you may access here for more of this witty repartee. The whole selection below is the main reason we get along - beat conversations and clever comebacks.

I N T R O D U C T I O N

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. True. Twenty four hours in a day, twenty four beers in a case... coincidence, I think not. We never know how good a quote is till we live it. I know this because I have. Your opinions and interpretations are not welcome, maybe I’ll listen to your logic and reason on this matter when it comes out on CD. When you say? tomorrow perhaps. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I’m not crazy, this is just a disguise. Read on…to.. Uranus. Where your prison-mate launches his probe.

Troy: So what do you say, Lelaina?
Lelaina: I'm not a valedictorian but I play one on tv.
Troy: We all know you slept your way to the podium.
Vicky: My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years.
Lelaina: Well, I know this sounds cornball but I'd like to somehow make a difference in people's lives.
Troy: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.

Lelaina: Hey Sammy, what's your goal?
Sammy: My goal is... I'd like a career of something.
Vicky: Here’ s the deal, I’m gonna take Sam against his will and straighten him out because I truly believe that if we can get two women on the Supreme Court, we can get at least one on you, Sam.

Lelaina:: Quick, Vicky, whats your social security?
Vicky:: Uhm... 851-259-357.Troy:: Very impressive.
Vicky:: Thats the only thing I really learned in college... Sometimes I get that not so fresh feeling.
Lelaina: Vicky, he will turn this place into a den of slack.
Troy: What the hell is your problem?
Lelaina: I have to work around here and unfortunately, Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage.
Troy: Oh well I'm sorry Miss poster-girl for the worker's party but until I get that uh toe-hold in the burger industry I've got a little time to suck. I'd rather check into a shelter then deal with her shit.
Vicky: It's cool, Troy, you can stay. Welcome to the maxi-pad.
Sammy: Yeah, with new dry-weave it actually pulls moisture away from you.
Troy: Well, should I get married, should I be good, should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and my faustushood and not take her to movies but to cemeteries and tell her stories of werewolf tongues and four clarinets... What 'Hey, That's My Bike' would like to do as a band is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie.
Sammy: Or Richard Simmons. You know, how in his commercials he surprises people jogging...
Troy: As you can see, I have the occasional run-in with an anti-Hey-That's-My Biker and to those people I say nobody... nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Troy: If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Shnyder, I could solve the energy crisis.
Vicky:: Excuse me, don’t Bogart that can, man.
Troy:: What are you, retarded?
Vicky:: No, I’m rhyming.

Lelaina: Troy, aren't you excited?
Troy: I'm bursting with fruit flavor.
Sammy: I just do not understand why this moment needs to be Memorexed.
Troy: Sammy, don't you realize this is your one oppurtunity to play a small part in what is destined to be greatness? Lainy here is going to revolutionize Good Morning Grant.
Sammy: Oh my God I am so sorry, I had NO idea.
Lelaina: Oh yeah, look whos mocking. All you do around here, Troy, is eat and couch and fondle the remote control.
Troy: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
Lelaina: Well, then what good are you?
Troy: You're a pathological optimist.
Lelaina:: You’re pathological.
Vicky:: Oh why don’t you guys just do it and get it over with, I’m starving.((phone rings))
Troy: Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent.

Vicky: We're going to eat gas.

Troy: Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water or was it his in-depth analysis of Marky Mark that finally reeled you in? I just would have liked to have been there to watch how you rationalized sleeping with a yuppie-head cheeseball on the first date.
Lelaina: He's not a yuppie.
Troy: He's the reason why Cliff's Notes were invented.

Lelaina:: Why are you acting like a jealous boyfriend all of a sudden?
Troy:: I... am not acting like anything. I am calmly reading.

Troy: There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter becomes a cackle... and I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.

Vicky:: The free clinic AIDS test: the right of passage for our generation. We’re so lucky, c’mon!
Sammy: You got fired? I mean, that just screws up my whole idea of good and evil and God.

Troy: One of these days I'm gonna wake up, before noon-
Lelaina: Yeah right.
Troy: I'm gonna turn on the tv and there Bryant Gumble will be and he'll say, 'Today we have with us the Pulitzer-prize winning documentarian Lelaina Pierce. Lelaina, after your first film, 'Why Barbie is Bad', you seemed to have forgotten all about your best friend, Troy Dyer.'
Lelaina: Troy... who? What was that name again? Oh, right through the heart!
Troy: I'll probably be working at Whole Foods you know, playing warehouses and hanging around places like the Radio Shack screaming that I used to know you and you'll be there in the lights and all beautiful and shit.
Lelaina: Oh, Troy, no no no no no, that would never happen. They'd never HIRE you at Whole Foods.

Troy:: See Lainy, this is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks.
Lelaina:: You got it!

Lelaina: I mean, these job interviews, Troy... The word “vivesection” a staggering understatement. I mean, can you define irony?
Troy:: Its when the actual meaning is the complete opposite from the literal meaning.
Lelaina: My God, where were you when I needed you today?

Vicky: All right, we're just trying to pay bills here, OK? So Troy, if you've got any money...
Lelaina: Money? Oh but whats money to an artist? To a philosopher? Its just green coloered paper that floats in and out of his life likfe snow. Its not anything you actually have to I don't know, work for, is it Troy?
Troy: No not if you have daddy's little gas card.
Lelaina: You shut up, I busted my ass to find a job, any job. You won't even bother showing up for interviews.
Troy: What is it that you want from me, huh? You want me to get a job on the line for the next 20 years til I'm granted leave with my gold-plated watch and my balls full of tumors because I surrendered the one thing that means shit to me. Well you can just exhale because its not gonna happen, not in this lifetime.
Lelaina:: Don’t just dick around the same coffee house for 5 years! Don’t dick around with her or with me! Try for once in your life do something about it! But you know what, you better do it now and you better do it fast because the world doesn’t owe you any favors. And whether you know it or not you’re on the inside track to loserville USA... just like him.

Vicky:: He’s weird. He’s strange. He’s sloppy. He’s a total nightmare for women... I can’t believe I haven’t slept with him yet.

Sammy:: Maw!
Vicky:: I’m right here, son.
Sammy:: Ma, I have to tell you some... thing. I am a homo... sexual.
Vicky:: Oh... Christ. Is there a support group that I can join to help me come to terms with my own homophobia?
Sammy:: Yes, there is a group which is named PFLAG. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.
Vicky:: Oh... Oh, PFLAG. I’m beginning to like the sound of that.
Sammy:: What you just witnessed here is a preenactment of events that are about to take place.

Sammy:: I wanna be there too. I want to feel miserable and happy and all of that.I mean I want... I want... I want to be let back in the house.

Troy: What happened to your normal clothes?
Michael: Wow, Lelaina, look at you. You look... Where'd you get that dress?
Lelaina: Um... I don't know, I just bought it. But I think I'm gonna go change...
Michael: No don't, you look beautiful. You look like... you look like...
Troy: A doily.

Michael: Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you, because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you.
Troy: There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake.

Lelaina:: I just don’t understand why things just can’t go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy:: Well, ‘cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don’t turn out like that.
Lelaina:: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy:: Honey, the only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina:: I don’t know who that is anymore.
Troy:: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again but I love her.

Vicky:: Lainy... sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship, c'mon.

Lelaina: Well, congratulations, Troy Dyer. Welcome to the world of the emotionally mature. It's a very nice place to visit. Hey, you might run in to Michael he lives here.
Troy: Oh yeah, Michael Michael. He's so mature because he lets you navigate that entire relationship. Well, I'm sorry Lelaina, but you can't navigate me. I might do mean things and hurt you and I might run away without your permission and you might hate me forever and I know that scares the shit out of you because I'm the only real thing that you have.
Lelaina: Yeah, well that ain't real much.

Michael: Nice job. Very well done.
Troy: I don't want to hear it from you.
Michael: Oh, I forgot, I'm not qualified to talk to you. I'm sorry I can't be Mr. look a me I'm Buddha on the mountaintop. Know what you are man, you know what you remind me of? You're like that guy, you know, with the hat and the bells you know...
Troy: Court Jester.
Michael: Yeah, where everything is so easy to laugh at from a safe distance back in clevercleverland. You know what happens to him? They find his skull in the grave and they go- Oh, I knew him... and he was funny. And the guy, the Court Jester, dies all by himself.
Troy: Where'd you hear that, a Renaissance festival? Besides, everyone dies all by himself.
Michael: If you really believe that, who are you looking for out here?
Troy: What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is... I don't know.

Answering Machine: At the beep, please leave your name, number and a brief justification of the ontological necessity of modern man's existential dilemma and we'll get back to you.