The [Cigarette] Butt Of It

Sure, this refers to the opposite of the J.Lo Butt, to mean having an ass the size of a cigarette, but what I am referring to at the moment is the Marlboro variety. After extensive research and continual discourse with people from the smoking genre [at the proverbial round table, of course], I have come to several conclusions. These will be discussed at length subsequently. If you are a smoker, you might agree to some or all of my assumptions. On the other hand, if you are NOT a smoker, I'm sure you'll have a smirk on your face the size of Mars, OR you'll leave a comment that says otherwise. In any case, I have a Desclaimer Portion that should cover my own cigarette butt [the rear end variety] quite nicely. I think.

Adolescent Burning

When we finally become a teenager and move on up to high school, we get these notions of being free and independent. It's probably from watching too much American TV, where kids move into the garage, have boyfriends and girlfriends by the age of 13, sneak in some beer into an otherwise innocent 14th birthday party, lose virginities "technically" by 15, and drive their own cars by 16. These notions are manifested on to the one single thing that we can do, not being Americans [actors or otherwise] and all that, which is smoking. As with everything associated with being a teenager, the whole process of smoking on the sly is very clumsy, and done with a nervous, clammy hand. Frantic whispers of "hide it, hide it, HIDE IT!!!", crumpled soft-packs passed on from one guilty friend to another, jittery hands trying to light the stick, dry coughing, spitting [tastes yucky, dunnit?], laughing nervously in excitement, and finally, beaming, triumphant. Rebels without a cause. It's one way of saying, "Man, this is my life and I'll do anything I well please with it." Also, this habit makes the adolescent feel like he's up there with the big boys; you know, griping about life, smoking, stuff.

Idealistic Huffing and Puffing

So now you're all past that. You're in your early twenties, post-adolescent idealism on turbo, especially in a university. Your cigarette now symbolizes your contemplation, your thoughts, and your radically idealistic views. You migh've been smoking since high school, or you might've just started hanging out with a bunch of ardent activists, anarchists, or artists, whichever group you feel is the coolest, all of whom are smokers. Not to mention that by this time, you will have discovered that you can smoke a variety of other things. Since you can now smoke in public without you parents climbing up your ass about it, your cigarette acquires more functions. It becomes your social companion. Per esempio, you're at a club, just shaking what ya momma gave ya, and then you get tired and want to catch your breath for a moment. You'll most probably look dorky just standing there while your friends are all out on the dancefloor going crazy. No one's talking to you [yet], so what do you do? Whip out the magic stick! You'll look like you have a purpose in life [to smoke yourself senseless], your hands are busy, AND someone will most probably ask you for a light, never mind if it's some weirdo, butt-ugly mthfcka.Academic-wise, let's say you're at a study group. You have your group mates, who are normal people, and then you have that nerd who does all the talking and all the work [who happens to be the self-appointed leader, as well]. You will take a break sometime after Nerdy runs out of stupid ideas, so you take out your cigarettes and smoke instead of discussing Nerdy's weekend plans. Smoking then also fills up those blanks while you're writing a paper, those lulls while you're discussing literature, symbolism, Marxism, and the breaking down of society through Pilates with your friends; that stillness when you're drunker than who-shot-John after a night of binge-drinking; and the silence on your end of the phone when you call up your old folks for money and your momma's just banshee-ing at you.

Delayed Teenage Rebellion

Anyone smoking after the college phase falls on this one. This overdue teenage rebellion is depicted mostly by frustrated housewives who find themselves stuck on a dead-end, especially concerning marital issues, unfulfilled aspirations, and a generally it's-all-too-late attitude. Although women who smoke in public aren't that big a deal anymore nowadays, some societies still look down on women who do, except if she is a housewife. It's probably her only respite from the daily turmoil of raising a usually ungrateful family, so spare her a little. Don't be surprised to see a woman with an apron and hair-rollers chainsmoking in her balcony at midday. As for men, smoking into their mid-thirties is just a case of a habit he can't break, like perpetually checking out younger women.

Why We Should NOT Be Smoking

Oh, you know why.

Disclaimers

The brand of cigarettes one consumes will depend entirely on the country where one is residing at the moment of consumption. [No duh]. Marlboro TM was referenced here just in case by some yet-unknown miracle, some higher-up from said company comes across this blog and decides to sponsor me in my ventures. Who knows, I might get to visit that legendary Marlboro Country.

I never smoked in high school.

I am not promoting smoking as a pastime. I am merely stating unknown, well-known, and made-up facts.

I am not a non-smoker.

Pass me one, cowboy.