Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys

What I've Learned From The People & Things I Love, Part II

I have always surrounded myself with boys. Boys of varying natures, men, guys, boys-who-think-they're-men, boys-who-like-girls, and boys-who-like-girls-to-be-boys.

Bond. James Bond.

** My Brothers. I have a special bond with each of my brothers.

Omar - the one I can speak to about love and life in general. We wax political, we discuss books, and watch indie films together. Our bond is: complicated love stories.

Amir - the one I sing with. He has a beautiful singing voice, MashaAllah. Our bond is: karaoke.

Waleed - the one I share a circle of friends with, He's also the one who gets all my jokes, bland, lame, or otherwise. Our bond is: common friends and humor.

Zen - the one I've never had a fight with. We just never clash. He's also allegedly the best-looking from among them. (sure, man). Our bond is: laughter, and good & bad times.

Adnan - is the one I clash with the most. He's also the best writer in the family (second only to yours truly, of course). Adnan is also very sensitive. Our bond is: creative writing and Hanson's "Penny and Me".

Pollock - is my adopted son. We have five years between us, and I was always responsible for him. I check his grades (in college), I check his asthma medication, and we share a bedroom and a bathroom. He's the best guitarist in the bunch. Our bond is: movie one-liners and music.

Ayman - is the one I have the least in common with. The only thing we can do together is smoke. Also, we trash silly Korean soap opera plots. We have too many years apart, so we don't really hang out a lot. Our bond is: trashing people and soap operas.

Othman - our baby brother, is possibly the wierdest. Othman has a keen attention to detail, and in fact, borders obsessive compulsiveness. Our bond is: food and watching movies ten times over.

** My nephews. As if I didn't have enough brothers to bodyguard me, I adopted these two as my additional siblings.

PJ - my maternal nephew. He grew up with us in the same household, and shared a childhood. We were inseparable during in freshman college. Our bond is: college life.

Khaldon - a.k.a. G.I. Joe., a fantastic guitarist. We were partners when it came to sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night for a game of billiards. Our bond is: guitars and rebellion.

** My "boyfriends". I gravitate towards guys. In grade school, I had several girl friends, but twice as many guy friends. In college, I had a group of rowdy boys as buddies.

Onat - is my oldest guy friend. He is the only guy outside of my family that I would trust enough to live with and even share a bedroom with. Our bond is: money and road trips.

Alfie - My brother Waleed's best friend. We share a Saudi history. He would drive me around in his white jeep, and he would do me special favors, like the one time I craved pizza in the middle of the night and he helped me look around for a 24-hour pizza place. Our bond is: driving around and Maranao culture.

Nebil - also Waleed's best friend. He educated me in the ways of music. Has been my friend since 1st grade. Our bond is: life and music.

Tam-Tam - my nephew. We share a family history, and we were good friends in grade school. In college, we hung out together, went broke together, and flunk college together. Our bond is: post-adolescence idealism and R&B.

Kaka Archie - also my nephew (Tam-tam's older brother). He was my rock. He literally picks me up whenever I trip, and he's the most reliable among my friends. Our bond is: techie gadgets and family scandals.

Yahya - my drinking buddy. We deny knowing each other to avoid unnecessary gossip. Our bond is: fortune tellers and phone conversations.

Micks - the lover boy. He's very picky about girls, and has a cruel sense of humor. He's also very loyal. Our bond is: conversations about the "future" and stupid jokes.

Khalid - the sweetest guy in the group. He's the resident pretty-boy, too. Our bond is: foreign films at the university cinema and a pair of white-stained shorts.

Yamani - possibly the funniest guy I know. His sense of humor will take him places. Our bond is: serious conversation laced with crazy-ass jokes.

Ibnu - the 5-second man. He's the one I call for academic advice. Our bond is: career paths and long-standing jokes.

Majed - a relatively new friend. He has educated me in the ways of the Saudi. Our bond is: Saudi Arabia and the Arabic language.

** I have learned that guys tend to bullshit less when it comes to true friendship. I hang out with them because they treat me with respect and at the same time treat me as an 'equal'. I've also learned that it is much easier to talk to guys because they give it to you straight.

All Things Random

20 Random Things About Myself:

1. I hate when my brothers squeeze the toothpaste tube right in the middle, and then NOT replace the cap.

2. We laugh at Kevin Bacon, his "Now what?" films and silly heartthrob roles, but I very secretly think he's HOT.

3. You know those ridiculous romantic scenes where lovers play around, usually with a hose, spraying water at each other or running along the beach in SLOW MOTION, with some old school funk / R&B or soul track playing in the background? I've always wished it would happen to me. ESPECIALLY the slow motion part.

4. Sometimes when my nails are long, the nail on my right index finger [which I use to write with] digs into my middle finger, so I wrap a tissue around my middle finger while I write to cushion it.

5. My favorite pair of shoes hurt like hell, but they look so fabulous that I wear them nonetheless.

6. I've memorized ALL the words to Air Supply's greatest hates BECAUSE I hate them.

7. I can't close my eyes when I'm singing a song because I always have to look at my fingers while I strum the guitar.

8. I list the books I've read, including the date I finished reading them, to get an average of how many books I read in a month. My average for the last three months is 3.

9. I buy cassette tapes [in Jeddah] at record stores because my CD player is not working [hasn't been for years now] and I've never gotten around to having it fixed. Tapes cost less, anyway, so it works for me.

10. I make most of my critical decisions in the shower.

11. I sneak out office supplies from my workplace: bond paper, board markers, glue sticks, paper clips, etc. The key word here is: UNCONSCIOUSLY. [sure]

12. I arrange the books on my bookshelves according to their publishing house[s], from Bantam to Random House.

13. My greatest fear in a Karaoke bar is that someone picks and sings the song that I've practiced singing for the longest time.

14. I am alternately embarrassed and insulted by bad films and bad actors. My favorite bad film is: Solaris, which starred George Clooney.

15. I have dreams of my best guy friend [nothing sexual, you pervert]. Sometimes I dream of him getting married [where I'm his best "man"], sometimes of him becoming a millionaire, sometimes of him getting shot.

16. I'm still very unsure of when and when not to use the word "whom".

17. My best guy friends think that my ultimate flirtation pick-up line is LAME. But it's worked for me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

"My one greatest dream is (to) ___________ [insert activity that guy-being-picked-up does best].

Worked once with a DJ at a club when I came up to him and said: "My one greates dream is to get inside a DJ's booth and get a panoramic view of the party below." That DJ has been a great family friend to this date, and we have been on guest lists at parties and getting free drinks ever since.

18. At "hard-core" Maranao parties, I can't think of anything to say beyond "How are you?" since everything you say to a Maranao can and will be used against you. Most of the time I just smile and pretend I don't speak Maranao.

19. I love MINT. Mint chocolates, mint on my tea, peppermint, mint lotion, mint shampoo, and mint green.

20. Sometimes I grin at myself in the bathroom mirror for about 5 minutes, then abruptly turn off the lights to freak myself out. I always expect someone standing behind me when I turn the lights back on.

Do you know a random thing about me that I don't? [Not you, Druggie, I know what you're going to say. Hahaha.]

In Memory Of

Dear Nhurzy,

It hurts.

Everytime I hear your name it hurts me, a dull, numbing, physical pain.

I look at our photo albums, any album, and it hurts. It hurts when I go through all the photos I've accumulated throughout my entire life and I realize that for the first 15 years you were in every other photo.

It hurts like hell when everything in my life has a connection to you because of our shared history.

When I turn on the computer, when I open all my online accounts, my websites, and I see how you're ever-present, everywhere, it hurts.

Everytime I cry, there's a hollow, right in the middle of my heart, where it hurts the most.

Remember when we used to dance? The Pandanggo Sa Ilaw, was it? The Itik-Itik dance? The crazy dance steps you taught us?

Remember our stupid Boyzone parties at Suad's house? Where we'd spend all night watching their music videos? Oh, I remember now, you hated them. You were there to make fun of us and how we loved those "faggots".

Remember our football jerseys in Sophomore High? Go Lakers? You used to wear the jersey bunched up at the tummy and tied in a knot to show off your abs.

Remember the Detroit Pistons and the love of our life, Grant Hill?

Remember when we used to wear nothing underneath our abayas because no one would notice anyway? You taught us how to wear our tarhas a certain way, like a trademark, you me, Ice. You know, press it against our foreheads then tie it at the back? So we look gangsta while we walked around and around the school campus under the sweltering sun?

Remember our middle-finger photos?

Remember the videotapes we made? Spoof music videos, speeches, dedications, dancing, head-banging, monkeying around?

Remember the times we were all together as a family? Suad? Jehanifah? Latifah? Ayesha? You? Me? At Ayesha's house eating Indomie after skipping classes? The Busaw Family? Do you remember?

Do you remember how much fun we had?

Do you remember when we suddenly grew up? When we suddenly had breasts and our periods and suddenly Mozi was the "cutest" guy in the universe?

Do you remember your cats? All six or seven of them? I don't remember how many, but I'm sure YOU remember. You had names for every single one of them, remember? They were your babies.

Do you remember that time you and your baby sister came to spend a night in our house and she cried because we didn't have corn flakes and she wanted to eat corn flakes?

Remember how we used our brothers as postmen for our letters? Remember what your letters said? "Ness, if you really like Allan, I'm sorry but he just came to my house and asked me to have sex with him." Crazy-ass stuff like that. My father once received a letter from you on my behalf coz I wasn't home, and he was outraged. We were 13 years old then.

Remember the fights? When we fought? We were divided then. Latifah fainted. Suad and Jehanifah were screaming obscenities. Ice was just whimpering in the corner. You and I moved left and right and screamed obscenities, too. Putangina mo!! Miyabunu ka!! No one would come near us because we were the Maranao girls and our rage terrified the shit out of them.

Remember when you first came to Manila and you sent us that voice tape? You hated Manila. And your first day in your new school was a disaster. You sent us pictures. Lots of them. Then we sent you back a million voice tapes and a huge bottle of Jeddah's finest and cheapest shatta Hot Sauce, your favorite.

Do you remember when things changed in college? The incident with your ugly-ass maid? How we laughed about your foolishness?

You were always mischievous, but you were NEVER DISHONEST.

Do you remember when you came to our Manila townhouse and we locked ourselves in my room with two packs of Marlboro Lights? We didn't even have Coca Cola to cool our throats with, but it was alright, we couldn't afford it anyway.

Do you remember the last time we'd ever be together? Our reunion right before I came back to Jeddah not six months ago? At the karaoke bar with Jehanifah and Jiehan? Beer, song, and cigarettes? The stupid tambourines ever-present at Korean videoke bars? I was in my "tennis-slash-badminton" outfit then, because I had to pretend I was going out to hit some balls when I was really going out with my friends. Remember how you drove Jiehan's car?

Do you remember last week how we chatted on Yahoo? You were teasing me about my love life. I was teasing you about your new car. Dude, I love your car and I haven't even seen it. "Fuck you, Ness," you said.

Do you remember the last words you told me?

"Miyasokaran ka, Baboy. Love ya, Nessreen."

I didn't reply. I signed out because you were pissing me off royally, you freaking bitch.

Do you remember?

Because I do. It hurts to remember. I choke. I'm out of breath. With the pain.

Do you remember two days ago how Jehanifah and I talked on the phone and cried and laughed at the same time, saying how this sounded like the kind of prank you would pull on us to get our attention?

Do you remember how she and I, we said, "This is unreal. This is a dream. She can't be gone."

Do you remember last night how I cried and my parents didn't know what to do with me? My grief had taken residence in my room. It stayed with me and followed me around the house. I cried because I lost you. We lost you. I cried because I didn't know how painful it was for you and I wished and wished and cried and wished some more and prayed that you went quickly and painlessly.

Do you remember?

No?

You don't?

Is that why it hurts?

It hurts me that I have to ask for your forgiveness now. Forgive me for all the wrong I've done, for anything I've said to hurt you, for any gesture that made it look like I don't want you in my life anymore.

It hurts me like fucking hell that you will never read this.

We love you, sister girl. Always have, always will. We are family.

Rest in peace, Nhurzy. You're our number one girl. Sister. Friend. Soulmate. Yosi-Buddy. Family.