How To Be A Photographer

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Like most everything else, there's the long way, and then there's the short, easy way. If you're smart, you listen to me.

Here are the top ten short, easy ways to be a photographer. Pencils ready, ladies.

1. Nikon VS Canon.

Pick a side. With Canon, You Can. With Nikon, You Can And You WILL. It's a war, people.

2. Express yourself.

Insert the sentence "I'm a photographer myself" in your conversations every chance you get. There's no point if nobody else knows it but you.

3. Network, network, network.

Make fast friends with photographers. Join an organization. Hopefully, their photography jargon will rub off on you.

4. Show it off.

Use the jargon you learned on non-photographers. Speak photographese to them . Deliberately make comments they won't understand, like "Well, this is an excellent picture, but it lacks composition. Also, the exposure level could've been adjusted to highlight the foreground, you know what I mean?" Then quickly walk away.

5. Don't say picture, say photograph.

They are two very different things.

6. Philosophize.

Take random photos of ordinary things and elaborate on their profundity. For example, take a photo of the edge of a table, and title it "The Edge of Reason".

7. Accessorize!

Buy equipment you don't know how to use. Buy books on photography and don't read them. But make sure to display them.

8. The joke is on you.

Tell jokes that end with, "... it's the white balance that's the problem, not your eyesight! Hahaha! Get it? White balance! Hahaha!" Smack the person for effect.

9. Cuss like a photographer.

Train yourself to drip with ISO sarcasm. Condemn your enemies to the hellfires of camera-settings ignorance.

10. Give advice.

It's time to give back to society. Help other aspiring photographers. Write an article. Lead a workshop. Open a Photographers Anonymous forum. Extol on the virtues of the Nikon.

And don't forget to be condescending.