Remembering The Tinman

Broken hearts have terrible memories. They forget what it was like.

*****


So this is what heartbreak is.

You feel so crushed you're almost numb. You're sitting there, with your jittery hands, and your pounding heart, and your averted gaze, and your embarrassing nails, and your out-of-place bag, and your unwanted food, and you are crushed.


You almost believed it. For the first time in years, you remember The Tinman, who stole your heart, the smile from your face.

What robber, what thief, who took away the part so essential to the whole, who stole your heart, who took it away, knowing that without it you can't live.

You had faith in this, that it would work, because it was so unexpected, because it came to you at a time when you weren't looking, or expecting anything from anyone of such close proximity.

Sometimes, before tonight, you would mentally shake yourself, and hit yourself on the back of the head, and suspect that there is some dark magic involved that made you so preoccupied with him, that dark magic you've only ever heard of, that dark magic that manipulates vulnerable souls into thinking they are attracted to someone.

Sometimes, the shaking and the hitting would work for a few seconds, and you would convince yourself that you were right; why else would you be so besotted by someone you wouldn't ordinarily be besotted by. Why else? But it would only last a few minutes, and then you're back to the kidding-yourself.



Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand

A strong elixir or a potion that you drank?

Who hurt your heart

Bruised it in a place?



And some neighborhoods away, there lies your friend in her bed, crying her eyes out because you know her and you know that she IS crying, and you feel her pain, a pain that is probably identical to yours. And you want to share with her the story of the Tinman, but you know you can't because you've kept so much from her. You are so crushed that no tears come to your eyes.



You are so embarrassed that you said the things you said. You would think you knew better.



You are crushed by the images that cross your mind, of a happy ever after that will never be yours.



You are reminded by all the things that you don't have that could be the reason behind this loneliness. You are reminded by the profoundness of the pathetic situation you are in, of how deeply sorry it is. You are reminded of the neglect that is the only thing you possess, neglect of self, neglect by others, neglect by friends, neglect by family.



You are forced to rise from this. You are forced to pretend nothing happened, that there was no heartbreak, that you didn't have to give up anything because you never owned up to anything to begin with.



Your arms feel weak, your knees.



And you feel even worse by your friends' concern for you. That their concern should explicitly imply that you have, in fact, lost before you've even begun the game.



You are now forced to dust yourself off, and to remind yourself over and over again: Wrong person, wrong time.



Remind yourself, over and over and over:




If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away, remove all roadblocks, barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space
And remember, the Tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the Tinman
Go find your heart and take it back


Who stole your heart?
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray...



You are forced to convince yourself that everything's gonna be alright, from here on out. If you just hold yourself together. Like you always have.



*****

Citations Needed

The Berlitz Wikipedia

Instructor's Manual (n) bulky book you take everywhere, presumably to prepare lessons. Main purpose is to cause extreme discomfort on account of its heaviness. To be read in the car on the way to work for maximum cramming.

Student (n) the number one cause of violence and thoughts of murder.

Cleaning Lady (n) i.e. Khala Zahrah; person who witnesses increasing signs of teacher madness, when you deliberately slide down the hallways en route to your class. *cough*

Break Time (n) a 15-minute-period between classes dedicated to catching up on gossip and acquiring any number of diseases from 2nd-hand smoke.

Thursday (n) when the countdown starts for Saturday, when you have to work again.

Friday (n) the day you spend being miserable about tomorrow being Saturday, when you have to work again.

Saturday (n) damn it.

Senior Instructor (n) instructors who have been working at Berlitz for at least 2 years, who can't stop talking about WadhHa, the greatest center director of all time.

Junior Instructor (n) new instructors who are probably getting really tired of hearing about it.

Cafeteria Lady (n) person who knows when an instructor is PMS-ing, based on how much candy and chocolate the instructor consumes.

Twix (n) the Berlitz instructor's kryptonite.

Bulletin Board (n) where you should post a document you don't want anyone to read.

Receptionist (n) person whose job all instructors want.

WadhHa (n) the greatest center director of all time.

Snort, Snort

My dahling friends. I know you're all planning on getting me some ridiculously expensive birthday present, or getting me a really hot dude inside a huge cake, or a new Mac, or expensive photographer stuff I won't know how to use (but will be happy to own and show off).

You don't have to.

All I want this year is for you guys to be with me on my birthday, and that is enough.

Okay, I lie.

I also want books. More books. Muwahahaha!! MUHUWAHAHAHAHA!! (That's supposed to be the evil laugh behind the closed doors, Sonja and Linzi.)

Lots and lots of books.

So here's a list of books that I want to hoard. I have divided them into categories, so that it's easier for you to judge me and my taste in books.

***
FICTION:

1. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting by Milan Kundera
2. Baudolino by Umberto Eco
3. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
4. The Number Devil: A Mathematical Adventure by Michael Henry Heim
5. Then We Came To The End by Joshua Ferris
6. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz
7. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
8. The Coma by Alex Garland
9. Dance Dance Dance by Haruki Murakami
10. Atmospheric Disturbances by Rivka Galchen
11. Lord of the Flies by William Golding

***
NON FICTION:

1. On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt
2. 21 Nights by Prince (I totally love this, by the way)
3. Poor People by William T. Vollmann
4. The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window into Human Nature by Steven Pinker
5. The World Without Us by Alan Weisman
6. Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain by Oliver Sacks
7. The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks
8. Testosterone, Inc: Tales of CEOs Gone Wild by Christopher Byron
9. The Emperors of Chocolate by Joel Glenn Brenner
10. Her Husband by Diane Middlebrook
11. Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke (I think he's hot.)

***
COMIC / GRAPHIC NOVELS:

1. A Million Little Pieces of Feces by Python Bonkers
2. Cosmic Banditos by A.C. Weisbecker
3. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
4. Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
5. V For Vendetta by Alan Moore


I could go on forever, except I think I lost you at NONFICTION.
Anyhoo. Some of the books here, especially the fiction ones, are available at Jarir. The rest are only available in remote countries like Trkalejhooli (true story).

Of course, if you know me, you know that I read just about anything anyway, so you can just get me any book by any author, except Dan Brown.

I can't wait to not have the time to read the books!!

Thank you (in advance)!! I promise to be very happy, and to not be online so much.

PS Stop muttering "nerd" under your breath. I can hear you.

xoxo

It Does

Everything happens for a reason.

(That reason is, most probably, me.)

*snicker, snicker*