I am....BATMAN

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder where you're at!
Up above the world you fly!
Like a tea-tray in the sky!

- Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)
British writer and mathematician
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

After watching four Batman movies one after the other in one sitting, I've decided that I've gathered enough vital information to make my own Batman movie. I know I am no Joel Schumacher or Tim Burton, but I know of no rule against wearing their shoes.

So, to make my very own Batman installation, I will need the following:

** Your support. Bear with me, it's going to be a box office hit.

** A Leading Man, of course. To play Batman. He would have to:

1. Be good-looking - the man every woman wants, and every man wants. To be, that is. I'm thinking along the lines of Post-Troy Brad Bitt. If Kevin Costner wasn't so old now, I would consider him for this part. We should remember that Bruce Wayne is eternally 30-something, so it was probably a mistake casting George Clooney who was fast-approaching 50 at that time. Val Kilmer was okay, except there was something disturbing about his nose... Oh, well.

2. Have nice, distinct lips, for when he's wearing his mask and the damsels in distress are staring pointedly at them. Perhaps no one can better Michael Keaton in that area.

3. Be tall. Batman was always referred to as the 6-foot-something bat. Tom Cruise is, of course, out of the question.

4. Have a six-pack and a nice rear end, for those close-up frames while he's getting into his bat-suit.

5. Have a prominent jaw to flatter his masked mug.

6. Have a troubled, pre-occupied look about him, so that he is contrived as someone of grave importance to the society, someone very wealthy and intelligent, and also very busy and sought-after. This would divert the attention from what it is exactly that he does when he's not flying around [for example, we can't help but wonder how it is that he maintains his Wayne Enterprises when all he does is sulk about how his parents were murdered 700 years ago]. A pair of Gucci eye-glasses and a pencil with a rubber end that he can bite on in contemplation would be crucial for this facial expression.

7. Have a quick wit and a sense of humor. He should be able to pepper his conversations with smooth puns and mild sexual innuendoes.

8. Know the exact moment to utter key one-word commands to non-living things, like his study furniture and his automobiles, to name just a few. Lock. Chair. Shields. Women. Oops.

9. Master robot-like actions with his head and shoulders to support his apparently very heavy head gear, so that he looks like he's going to keel over any moment from the weight of his pointed ears.

10. Know how to suppress smiles and laughter because, after all, Bruce Wayne [and Batman] isn't a stupid, smiley dolt. He is a very serious and intriguing man.

11. Look like a man who is very at-ease with the prospect of having a slave... no, scratch that... a 'gentleman' butler, that he manages to retain by occasionally referring to as 'family'.

** A villain is of great import, too, of course.

1. The villain part should be played by an actor of high-caliber, such as the ones in past Batman films: Christopher Walken, Danny de Vito, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tommy Lee Jones, and of course, the father of all Batman villains, Jack Nicholson. For my movie, I'm thinking John Travolta, who outdid himself in Face-Off as a maniacal baddie. I mean, his ridiculous [and disarming] chin alone is all the make-up he needs! John Malkovich is a good choice, too, but he's too mean. Batman might not be able to fight him off.

2. The main villian should have had a horrible childhood so that he grows up to be a freak of sorts. This family background is essential, because it's the only way Batman would get through to him, having had a horrible childhood himself. Towards the end, they would swap sob stories right before the villain is hied off to Arkham Asylum where he would either disappear in obscurity among other former villains, or emerge later in a spin-off movie where he gets the chance to give a dragged-out version of his sob story.

3. I would be needing a Co-Villain to stretch the script and provide Batman with more opportunities to impart wise-ass one-liners seconds before he doles out punches and high-power kicks. The co-villain would emerge right after Batman's first encounter with the main villain. He must have a psychological problem [as does everyone else in the movie, anyway]; someone who is actually angry at Bruce Wayne and not Batman. The co-villain would eventually team up with the main villain [whose target is Batman] and together, they discover that GASP Batman and Wayne are one and the same! [Oooh, love that rhyming. Will include in script.] There are two kinds of villains:

a. Male Co-Villain = someone absolutely outrageous, who desires nothing more than world domination. Or Gotham City domination. Same thing. To play this part, I want an actor capable of over-the-top theatrics, like Jim Carrey was in Batman and Robin. Someone viewers love to hate, like Alan Cumming [oh, but he's too cute], or someone viewers just HATE, like Ben Stiller.

b. Female Co-Villain = someone very sexy. At the beginning, she is actually a well-meaning woman who wants good things to happen to the world, but is ultimately wronged and killed by a man. She comes back to life as a sinister, vengeful, and darkly stunning she-villain, so she should be someone who has miles and miles of leg and looks good in designer villain garb and goth make-up. I would consider Milla Jovovich or Rachel Weisz. She would have a plain-looking alter-ego, so she should also be able to pull off huge-rimmed glasses and disheveled hair. The female co-villain is very crucial to the script, because she could double as the love interest of both the main villain and the hero. Cut costs, if you know what I mean. After all, I'm casting high-profile actors here.

4. All the baddies should master the requisite evil laugh. Buhuwahahaha... Muhuwahahaha... Or something like that. Maybe take lessons from the poster-child of villainhood himself, Dr. Evil.

5. I would be needing a slew of supporting thugs and outlaws in motorbikes, dressed up in face paint and muted versions of the main and co-villain's suits, whichever one they're supporting.

6. Villain's characters should be based on a mutated animal, plant, or anything else from nature. I'd probably base one on a monkey [Mojo-Jojo style], and another on a sequoia tree [Yawn].

** Now, it gets ridiculous by the minute, so I would need another person to add to the fast-growing Bat Family. Let's call this person a Co-Hero. I mean, of course, there would be moments when our hero is suddenly trapped and seemingly doomed. This is Bat-Brother or Bat-Sister's cue to come crashing down some glass ceiling or other and save him. Also, I need this Co-Hero to cause inner conflict. The Co-Hero should be someone younger, with a rebellious streak and a smart-alecky nature, who'd fall madly in-love with another Bat-Person [another spin-off idea]. Colin Farrell comes to mind. If it's to be a girl, who better to play the role than It-Girl Mandy Moore?

** How would Batman and his posse go from one place to another without their bat-mobiles? Of course, we would need them. I don't want to be James Bond-ish about it, so I guess I'll just keep the classic Bat-Mobile and Bat-Bike. Maybe have Mercedes Benz or Honda sponsor the whole affair, so that the new Co-Hero may have his or her own Bat-Wheels. We can't have any of them riding shotgun in His Royal Batness' coupe, can we?

** Alfred is getting old. He needs a replacement. Besides, he won't be able to cope with not one, not two, not three, but four [possibly even five, God help him] deranged humans prancing about as bats. But we all love Alfred. Plus, he knows everything; his know-how is priceless. So I'll maybe just give him an assistant. I'm sure Lara Croft wouldn't mind my borrowing her butler. She can afford another one after the success of her last movie.

** There should always be a love angle. After all, Bat-Wayne is very attractive, a ladies' man, a man's man, a man-about-town, a most eligible bachelor. The leading lady would be someone interested in the mysterious and possibly very kinky Batman but is invariably drawn to the filthy, filthy rich Bruce Wayne ["Tricky, tricky... Hmm... Let's see... Who shall it be?"] She would be a journalist, a reporter, or an expert on something, maybe on monkeys and sequoia trees. Catherine Zeta-Jones fits the profile. Glamorous, vogue, stunning. A classic Wayne-trap, he loves to wear beautiful women to dinner galas. She should be smart, yes, but not smart enough to notice that GASP Batman and Wayne... are one and the same! [sorry, just had to say it again], even though she has kissed, spoken to, and been up-close and personal with both, more than anyone else in the film.

** Now, I would have to use gloomy Gotham City as the backdrop, of course, which is really a cross between Chicago and New York City. The city would, as usual, come with the same incompetent, lazy policemen who depend on the Winged One to do their job.

** To top off my movie, I would employ The Neptunes to produce and perform every single musical score on the film. The original Batman was successful with the talents of The Artist Formerly Known As Prince And Also Formerly Known As An Unpronounceable Symbol But Is Now Known As Just Prince [I have utmost respect for the one man who could pull off a name like that. Boo-Yah, Master Chief!]. The Neptunes Who Were Formerly Unknown should be able to give the chase and fight scenes a rock feel, pipe in some sexy beat for the female villain's entrance, and then finish with a catchy rock-hiphop theme for the credit roll.

Fantastic. Absolutely marvelous. I can just see it now. The opening credits. The fabulous premiere gala. The red carpet. The swift celebrity interview with Joan Rivers. The rave reviews. The movie awards. The MTV music video. The behind-the-scenes documentary. The magazine cover and feature. The action figures and merchandise. The offer for yet another sequel. "Batman Lives". "Batman: A True Underdog Story." "Batman's World." "Batman and Batwoman".

Phew. Well. I gotta go give Joel Schumacher's shoes back, he'll be wanting them.

There you go, Schumacher, my man. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.