The Gray Anatomy

"Nobody knows where we might end up.. Nobody knows..
Suppose we never know?"

Grey’s Anatomy moves me. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m me, and I live vicariously through the movies and the TV shows that I love to watch. Or if it’s because this one inspires me to be better at my job, pushes me to do my best and make a difference in people’s lives, pushes me to love and respect what I do. Or if it’s because it makes me realize that I AM an important member of this community that is behind the success of one company. Or if it just makes me sad to think that if I’d done better in school, if I’d made better decisions, that I’d be so much more than I am right now. Maybe I would’ve been a good doctor, maybe a great lawyer. I know this is just me, the slave to society, speaking. How bad is it to be a teacher, an excellent teacher, if it means I’m helping my family at the same time I’m supporting a company – two things that are bigger than myself? Why do I have to be a cliché?

Why can’t I be content with what good I’m getting from my current situation – considering my achievements or lack thereof?

Why is it so hard to accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, this is what I was always meant to do?

Why does it feel like I’m always just settling for second best? All the friggin time? And why am I stuck in a rut when I should be flourishing at this age, when I should be pushing myself to my greatest potential? What IS my greatest potential? I never had the chance to find out. I don’t know if I ever will.

“Waking is better than sleeping.”

And yet, every day at work, when I go out with my friends, when I get home, I can’t wait to sleep. I might have mastered the art of time suckage without even knowing it.

“Why do I keep hitting my head with a sledgehammer? Because it feels SO GOOD when I stop.”

***

Dr Grey reminds me so much of Jehanifah. The straight hair & that fringe, the scrubs, the shirt-sleeves underneath the scrub, the eyes that look like she's just woken up. Why was I even surprised when I found out that she watches this show? I so know she would be attached to it as much as I am. We are both suckers for hard work, excellence, and prestige disguised as profundity, indifference, and good-quality sweaters. Yes, this has always been our bond. Cold weather coupled with warm comforts like cigarettes, cups of coffee, epiphanies, and cashmere. And that’s what I think of when I watch Dr Grey. I don’t even like her character. She is too... fluid. She doesn’t have clear lines, she is all fuzzy. I can’t tell where she begins and where she ends. She is a mishmash of too many personalities.